πΏπ€π’ππ¨π©ππ π«ππ€π‘ππ£ππ - not an easy thing to talk about... and quite often, it seems that it isn’t even spoken of at all, yet we are surrounded by people in this world who are being abused and continue to struggle alone in silence!
I strongly believe that this is an important topic that needs to be talked about more so that many people will become aware of the negative effects domestic violence has on victims and so that people will be educated on the red flags, thus hopefully preventing getting involved in a potentially damaging relationship. So in honor of October being Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I’ll share some of my thoughts about it as well as statistics through a site I linked below and some informative warning sign lists specific to each type of abuse, because these are so important and necessary to recognize.
If you are reading this and have not personally been in or don’t really understand DV, I’d like to thank you for taking this moment to make an effort to understand and learn more about this subject. We need more people who are willing to speak out against the cruel things happening in the world in order to make a difference. Based on statistics, I would say that whether you are aware of it or not, there is more than likely at least one person in your life who is currently being or has been impacted in their lifetime by the effects of domestic violence.
A key thing to remember is that while many factors do play into the likelihood for domestic violence to happen, any kind of abuse can happen to *anyone* ...regardless of financial or religious background, gender, ethnicity, age group, etc.
As my dream is to become a psychologist or counselor, I’ve spent a lot of time researching the long term effects all different forms of abuse have on victims, and what I’ve consistently found through my online research is that survivors will more than likely suffer from the damaging toll the abuse takes on their mental and/or physical health....sometimes for the rest of their lives. Some examples include: mental health issues such as PTSD, panic disorder, anxiety, depression...as well as insomnia, social withdrawal, guilt, hyper-vigilance, self-doubt, low self-esteem/self-confidence/very self-critical, anger issues, difficulty trusting others, relationship problems, chronic pain, and stomach ulcers. Abuse during pregnancy, whether physical, verbal or emotional, produces many adverse physical and psychological effects for both the mother and fetus. Any type of domestic violence also increases the risk for victims to turn to self harm, eating disorders, or substance use disorders. This can be a way to feel a sense of control over their feelings/body/life situations, express internal feelings externally, punish themselves for perceived faults, or cope and distract from the painful emotions caused by the abuse.
The saddest thing, I feel, about domestic violence is that the abuser is (in many situations anyway) supposed to love their partner/child/family, and perhaps truly does love them or claims to, to a certain extent, but is in reality, damaging the very people closest to them mentally (and physically too in many cases). They hurt beautiful, kind people with so many hopes, dreams, and goals. Their actions and words do not display that love though. Domestic violence is not the victim’s fault. No one asks to be abused. No one deserves to be treated in such a way! Everyone deserves to have healthy relationships. The ways abusers destroy other people makes me feel angry and sick....but most of all, it breaks my heart. I’ve spent so much time trying to research and understand the “why?” behind this behavior, but I don’t feel that any excuse that can make domestic violence justifiable, right or okay.
Here is a great site I found to learn more about facts and statistics:
https://www.domesticshelters.org/resources/statistics
And here is an overview of the warning signs of each type of abuse below: (I’ve also added the link to the sites I found in depth info or specific examples on)
Physical abuse is any intentional act causing injury, trauma, physical suffering or bodily harm to another person or animal by way of bodily contact. Physical abuse may involve more than one abuser, and more than one victim. Abusive acts toward children can often result from parents' attempts at child discipline through excessive corporal punishment.
Some examples include:
- Pushing
- Shoving
- Scratching
- Biting
- Grabbing
- Spitting
- Slapping
- Punching
- Kicking
- Choking
- Strangling
- Burning
- Force feeding
- Denying you food
- Reckless driving
- Throwing things to hurt or intimidate you
- Destroying possessions/treasured objects
- Disrupting your sleeping patterns to make you feel exhausted
- Physically restraining you (such as pinning you against a wall, floor, bed, etc.)
- Hurting or threatening to hurt your children and/or pets
- Using or threatening to use weapons or objects that could hurt you
- Attempts to kill you
Sexual abuse/assault
- Unwanted kissing or touching
- Unwanted rough or violent sexual activity
- All sexual touching between an adult and a child
- Rape or attempted rape
- Refusing to use condoms or restricting someone’s access to birth control
- Keeping someone from protecting themselves from STIs
- Sexual contact with someone who is very drunk, drugged, unconscious, or otherwise unable to give a clear and informed “yes” or “no”
- Threatening or pressuring someone into unwanted sexual activity
- Taking any kind of sexual pictures or film of someone without their consent.
- Forcing someone to perform sexual acts on film or in person for money.
- Threatening to break up with someone if they refuse sex.
Emotional/Mental/Psychological/Verbal abuse
Emotional abuse is one of the hardest forms of abuse to recognize. It can be subtle and insidious or overt and manipulative. Either way, it chips away at the victim's self-esteem and they begin to doubt their perceptions and reality.
(List of warning signs/examples from healthline.com)
Humiliation, negating, and criticizing to undermine your self-esteem.
Examples of this are:
- Dismissiveness. You tell them about something that’s important to you and they say it’s nothing. Body language like eye-rolling, smirking, headshaking, and sighing help convey the same message.
- Pushing your buttons. Once your abuser knows about something that annoys you, they’ll bring it up or do it every chance they get.
- Character assassination. This usually involves the word “always.” You’re always late, wrong, screwing up, disagreeable, and so on. Basically, they say you’re not a good person.
- Patronizing. “Aw, sweetie, I know you try, but this is just beyond your understanding.”
- “Joking” and/or sarcasm. When you object, they claim to have been teasing and tell you to stop taking everything so seriously.
- Insults of your appearance.
- Put-downs of your interests.
- Belittling your accomplishments. Abuser may tell you that your achievements mean nothing, or may even claim responsibility for your success.
- Name-calling.
- Derogatory “pet names.”
- Public embarrassment. They pick fights, expose your secrets, or make fun of your shortcomings in public.
- Yelling, screaming, swearing to intimidate and make you feel small...maybe accompanied by fist-pounding or throwing things.
Control and shame: trying to make you feel ashamed of your inadequacies to make them feel more powerful.
Examples of this are:
- Unpredictability. They’ll explode with rage out of nowhere, suddenly shower you with affection, or become dark and moody at the drop of a hat to keep you walking on eggshells.
- Outbursts.
- Making subtle or overt threats.
- Digital spying. They might check your internet history, emails, texts, and call log. They might even demand your passwords.
- Monitoring your whereabouts. They want to know where you are all the time and insist that you respond to calls or texts immediately. They might show up just to see if you’re where you’re supposed to be.
- Feigned helplessness. They may say they don’t know how to do something. Sometimes it’s easier to do it yourself than to explain it. They know this and take advantage of it.
- Unilateral decision-making. They might close a joint bank account, cancel your doctor’s appointment, or speak with your boss without asking.
- Financial control. They might keep bank accounts in their name only and make you ask for money. You might be expected to account for every penny you spend.
- Manipulating your children.
- Treating you like a child. They might tell you what to wear, what/how much to eat, which friends you can see, etc.
- Direct orders...which are expected to be followed despite your plans to the contrary.
- Lecturing. ...about your errors...makes it clear they think you’re beneath them.
- They walk out. In a social situation, stomping out of the room leaves you holding the bag. At home, it’s a tool to keep the problem unresolved.
- Using others. Abusers may tell you that “everybody” thinks you’re crazy or “they all say” you’re wrong.
Accusing, blaming, and denial: this behavior comes from an abuser’s insecurities. They want to create a hierarchy in which they’re at the top and you’re at the bottom.
Examples of this are:
- Jealousy. They accuse you of flirting or cheating on them.
- Turning the tables. They say you cause their rage and control issues by being such a pain.
- Denying something you know is true. An abuser will twist your words, and deny that an argument or even an agreement took place. This is called gaslighting. It’s meant to make you question your own memory and sanity.
- Using guilt. They might say something like, “You owe me this. Look at all I’ve done for you,” in an attempt to get their way.
- Goading then blaming. Abusers know just how to upset you. But once the trouble starts, it’s your fault for creating it.
- Denying their abuse. When you complain about their attacks, abusers will deny it, seemingly bewildered at the very thought of it.
- Accusing you of abuse. They say you’re the one who has anger and control issues and they’re the helpless victim.
- Trivializing. When you want to talk about your hurt feelings, they accuse you of overreacting and making mountains out of molehills.
- Saying you have no sense of humor. Abusers make personal jokes about you. If you object, they’ll tell you to lighten up.
- Blaming you for their problems. Whatever’s wrong in their life is all your fault.
- Destroying and denying. They might crack your cell phone screen or “lose” your car keys, then deny it.
Emotional neglect and isolation: abusers tend to place their own emotional needs ahead of yours. Many abusers will try to come between you and people who are supportive of you to make you more dependent on them.
Examples of this are:
- Demanding respect. No perceived slight will go unpunished, and you’re expected to defer to them. But it’s a one-way street.
- Shutting down communication. They’ll ignore your attempts at conversation in person, by text, or by phone.
- Dehumanizing you. They’ll look away when you’re talking or stare at something else when they speak to you.
- Keeping you from socializing.
- Trying to come between you and your family.
- Withholding affection. They may refuse sexual relations to punish you or to get you to do something.
- Tuning you out. They’ll wave you off, change the subject, or just plain ignore you when you want to talk about your relationship.
- Actively works to turn others against you.
- Calling you needy. When you need and reach out for support, they’ll tell you things like “the world can’t stop turning for your little problems.”
- Interrupting, not listening or not responding.
- Indifference. They see you hurt or crying and do nothing.
- Disputing your feelings. Whatever you feel, they’ll say you’re wrong to feel that way, etc.
Financial/Economic abuse happens when the abuser makes a victim entirely financially dependent on the abuser, with no power or say in the relationship.
Some examples include:
- Forbidding you to work or attend school.
- Sabotaging employment opportunities by giving you a black eye or other visible injury prior to an important meeting.
- Jeopardizing employment by stalking or harassing you at the workplace.
- Denying you access to a vehicle or damaging the vehicle so you cannot get to work.
- Sabotaging educational opportunities by destroying class assignments.
- Withholding money or giving an allowance.
- Hiding family assets.
- Controlling or denying your access to bank accounts or other money.
- Refusing to contribute financially to you or the family, or doesn't provide enough money to cover living expenses.
- You’re denied access to the internet, phone or transport, which prevents you from working or studying.
- Taking out loans, running up debts in your name, or pressuring you to sign up for a loan.
- You must have permission to spend your own money.
- Sells (or threatens to sell) your property without your permission.
- You are being made to feel like you are incompetent with money.
Signs of child abuse:
Warning signs for physical abuse:
- Recurrent bruises, cuts, welts, or other injuries that can’t be explained or don’t match with the child’s story
- Burns, especially from cigarettes, that can’t be explained
- Injury marks that have a pattern, like from a hand, belt, or other objects
- Injuries that are at different stages of healing
- Medical or dental issues that go untreated
- Alert behavior; child seems to always be expecting something bad to happen
- Often wears clothing that covers up their skin, even in warm weather
- Child seems afraid to go home
- Child startles easily, shies away from touch or shows other skittish behavior
Warning signs of emotional abuse:
- Constantly seems fearful or anxious about doing something wrong
- Withdrawn from peers and adults
- Behavior fluctuates between extremes (i.e. extremely cooperative or extremely demanding)
- Acting either inappropriately beyond their age (like an adult; taking care of other children) or inappropriately younger than their age (like an infant; throwing tantrums)
- Speech problems or delays in learning and emotional development
- Depression and low self-esteem
- Doing poorly in school
- Headaches and stomachaches with no clear cause
- The child doesn’t seem close to a parent or caregiver
- Showing little interest in friends and activities
Warning signs of neglect:
- Dirty, ill-fitting clothes
- Illnesses and injuries often go untreated
- Eating more than usual at a meal or saving food for later
- Poor weight gain and growth
- Child is often late or missing from school
- Frequently left alone or unsupervised at home
- Child consistently has bad hygiene (unbathed, dirty hair, body odor)
- Allowed to play in dangerous environments
Spotting the “red flags” of a narcissist early on in relationships/dating:
(All of this information is from psychcentral.com)
People are drawn to narcissists because they can be charming and charismatic. In fact, one study showed that their likable veneer was only penetrable after seven meetings. Some of the things that may distract you from the warning signs include:
- Sexual attraction. The greater the physical attraction and sexual intensity, the easier it is to ignore red flags.
- Seduction. Narcissists are skilled in manipulation. They may be adept listeners and communicators or allure you with, flattery, self-disclosure, and vulnerability.
- Idealization. They’re often very accomplished, successful, good-looking, powerful, and/or multi-talented. It’s easy to idealize them and want to share in the benefits of their exceptionalism, especially if you feel inferior. People with low self-esteem, such as codependents, are more likely to idealize someone they admire.
- Familiarity. If you had a narcissistic parent, being with a narcissist will feel familiar — like family. This attraction happens beneath consciousness and is often referred to as “chemistry.” With personal therapy, this attraction can change so that you easily spot someone who is abusive or self-centered. You might even be repelled instead of attracted to a narcissist.
- Codependency. If you have low self-esteem, you may be unaware of your feelings, which can guide you. You may not feel entitled to respect and having your needs and wants met. Most codependents tend to accommodate and please-please other people — a perfect fit for a narcissist. This predisposition is stronger in early dating when you’re trying to make a good impression. Thus, you might overlook or rationalize feelings of discomfort and anxiety that signal trouble. If something does bother you, you won’t speak up about it and try to forget it.
So here are the red flags to watch for:
- Self-centeredness. Narcissists can’t empathize. They’re in their own reality and see you as an extension of themselves to satisfy their needs and wants. Some narcissists are skilled communicators and will appear fascinated by you, even mirror your interests to make you like them. They may be good at short-term intimacy and make you feel like a king or queen; but eventually, they don’t keep up that act. You’ll discover that their motive is to get what they want; for example, sex, but that they’re not interested in getting to know more about you, your family, problems, or successes.
- Arrogance. Narcissists feel superior to other people, and can be rude or abusive when don’t get what they want. This is revealed in their behavior and how they talk about themselves and others. Is your date a fault-finder who criticizes or blames others? One day he or she may be bashing you. Does he or she show other people respect, or act superior to other certain groups, such as minorities, immigrants, or people of less means or education?
- Entitlement. Narcissists think they deserve special treatment and that rules don’t apply to them. A relationship with this person will be painfully one-sided, not a two-way street. Narcissists are only interested in getting what they want and making the relationship work for them.
- Bragging and need for admiration. Although because narcissists want to believe they’re superior and the best, they’re actually insecure. Hence, they need constant validation, appreciation, and recognition. They seek this by bragging about themselves and their accomplishments. They may even lie or exaggerate. People who brag are trying to convince themselves and you of their greatness.
- Control and manipulation. They may manipulate you with flattery, belittling, or threats. Their lack empathy may show when planning a date. Time and place might be a difficult negotiation or on their terms, especially if they sense that you’re interested in them. Initially, they may want to please you to win you over, but once they’ve made their “catch,” they want to please themselves. It’s the chase, not the catch that motivates them. Once they’re victorious, they can lose interest, and move on to the next conquest before it gets too emotionally intimate. If not, they’ll be emotionally unavailable and keep you at a distance, because they’re afraid if you get too close, you won’t like what you see.
