Growing Through The Pages of Life

     I’ve made it to another birthday, and this year, I find myself imagining my life as a book. The years are represented by chapters and the pages represent all of the days that I have lived. As I reflect on these “pages” of my life story thus far, the ones that seem to stand out the most in my mind are those which held defining moments—moments that made a clear distinction between “life before this” and “life after this.” Their corresponding dates are etched into my memory just like the events themselves. Some of them were amazing, others were painful, but all of those defining moments meant that life as I knew it was going to change—whether that would be for better or worse. 

     Nonetheless, as I look back on my life, and the past year in particular, I know that so many changes did not seem to happen on the pages that held such defining moments. Instead, they occurred over such a gradual process that no single turn of a page would signify that change had even taken place. Still, I am in awe of how different things are now compared to how they were just one short year ago! “What day should I have celebrated?” is a question that came to mind; however, I have come to realize that change happens every day. It happens when we come across a social media post that shifts our perspective toward self-compassion, when we hear something in a sermon or lecture that more fully develops a belief that we hold, when we choose to reflect before we react, when we make the decision to dismiss an invalidating thought and focus on a self-validating one instead…the list goes on and on. 

     Those changes that seem small or insignificant may be the very ones that serve as the catalyst to launch us onto the path of incredible growth. There is beauty in the fact that each page of our lives begins as a blank canvas—free of mistakes and also with the freedom to record memories, lived experiences, emotions, and the choices we make both within ourselves and for our lives. Even the littlest of choices scattered throughout a chapter of life (e.g., putting in one's best effort in college coursework each day) can contribute to the successful completion of significant goals (e.g., earning a degree)! 

     Psalm 139:16 says, “Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Though we cannot know what’s going to happen in the next pages of our stories, God already knows every detail, and He promises to walk through it all with us. He sees the way that we slowly but surely evolve, even when we ourselves have not yet noticed the change. He sees the growth that is whispered from the lowest valleys just as much as the growth that echoes and resounds from the mountaintops. If 22-year-old me were to look in the mirror and see 23-year-old me looking back at her, I am certain her future reflection would be unrecognizable, yet God saw her growing and becoming along every page of this past chapter. May we all find comfort in knowing that regardless of whether anyone else can see it, He notices even our tiniest changes as we grow through the pages of our lives. :) 

Puzzle Pieces

     When I was about 8 years old, I enjoyed putting together a 100 piece puzzle each afternoon before my nap. I quickly learned that trying to force a puzzle piece into a space where it did not belong simply would not work. So, I would move on to the next empty space to see if the piece might fit there, and eventually, I would find the proper space for my little puzzle piece to fill. In the past year in particular, I came to realize how this same simple concept relates to each of us and where we are at in life, so I am sharing in hopes of encouraging someone else. 

     I believe all of us have a special place in the “puzzle” of life to fill. Our lives are often headed in markedly different directions. When the diverse range of individual variables (e.g., one’s personal values or personality) or situational variables (e.g., chronic illness) enter the picture, it can be a little easier to make sense of the differences in life path, but accepting them is not always as easy. Sometimes, it comes more naturally to wish away one’s present circumstances in order to escape the reality of them. But in my walk with the Lord, at one point, I felt Him speaking to my heart something alone the lines of: “don’t lose sight of the opportunities and blessings of the now or what I’m doing in you during this season of your life by wishing things were different.” This completely shifted my perspective on things, and I began recognizing some of the creative opportunities in my life that had existed all along. Basically, when we try and try and try so hard to fit into someone else’s space, we risk missing out on the things in our own space that God has prepared for us…and sometimes it’s the space that He’s using *to* prepare us for something else! ‭

     In essence, I began to see that, like a puzzle piece with its own unique space to fill, God has a unique space for me to fill in life. Forcing myself to fit into spaces where I don’t belong could easily destroy my edges. 🧩 

Here are a few Bible verses related to uniqueness, purpose, and life’s seasons that bring me comfort and encouragement:

‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3:1: “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.”

Isaiah 64:8: “But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.”

Ephesians 2:10: “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”

1 Corinthians‬ ‭12:4-7‬: “Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone. To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good.”

The Power Of Words

    I believe that words have power. Every day, we use words to communicate with others face-to-face or through text messages, listen to the words in song lyrics, and read the words posted online or written in books. Words allow us to connect and understand each other as we express our thoughts and feelings, and they also influence whether those connections are strengthened or destroyed. 

    Since my early childhood, I have had an exceptionally good memory. One might think this would be amazing, but it has its drawbacks. Something random can trigger my mind to seemingly travel back in time to feel the same hurt or happiness I initially felt. Words mimic a song playing on repeat sometimes. Some words painfully left scars, but others were a great encouragement to me. The impact words have had on my life has taught me the importance of choosing my words more cautiously, whether they be directed toward myself or another. I believe that words have the potential to heal, as expressive writing and talking through life's problems can be healthy coping mechanisms. Of course, there are times when the advice of Thumper, the little rabbit in the classic children's movie Bambi, should be followed: "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all." Still, we must also realize that when we leave kind words unspoken, we have missed an opportunity, for all of those kind words that should have been said could have made a positive impact. The chances we have to use our words to encourage others, make a difference in their lives, and tell them what they mean to us are limited. 

    As Christmas is quickly approaching, a special memory comes to mind. It was Christmas Eve of 2016 and I had spent hours designing personalized calendars for each of my grandparents throughout the month of December, yet I had still not finished the calendar for my pawpaw. In fact, I had not even started working on it and part of me was worried about how he might react, because he often dealt with paranoid thoughts about photos. Even so, I felt the Holy Spirit strongly prompting me to make the calendar anyway, so I pushed myself and finished it that afternoon. On Christmas morning, my pawpaw came to eat breakfast with my family. After we had visited for a while, I slipped away for a few minutes and carefully wrapped his special gift. When I returned, I remember smiling brightly as I explained to him that it seemed to me that he was always the one doing the giving and that I had something for him to open. I handed him his present and told him that I had made it because I wanted him to know how much I loved him and appreciated his being my grandparent. The calendar was filled with pictures of us, mostly from my childhood, so he could look at them each day of the next year. The smile on his face and his eagerness to look through the photos was priceless. However, it was not until later that I realized why God must have wanted me to follow through with making that calendar before Christmas Day. The next day, my pawpaw passed away unexpectedly. Although he did not live to see that calendar on a single day in 2017, I understood that it was not about the calendar, but rather letting my pawpaw know how much he meant to me before my opportunity to do so was lost.

     I feel that this memory from my life can serve as a powerful reminder of the importance of not allowing the words that are on our hearts to say to be left unspoken, because the future is uncertain. I cannot recall a time in my life when I have regretted sharing something that was on my heart to express, whether it was in face-to-face conversation or in a message, letter, or social media post. Although the impact is sometimes left unknown, I believe that our words carry the potential to either lift or destroy another, and perhaps even make a life-or-death impact on someone's life in some situations. Therefore, I believe we should pay careful attention to the things we say because words are truly a powerful thing—words can be either a blessing or a curse.

Bʀᴇᴀᴋɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇ Sᴛɪɢᴍᴀ ᴏғ Mᴇɴᴛᴀʟ Hᴇᴀʟᴛʜ

I recently shared some of my thoughts about mental health in response to a few questions for a college discussion post concerning anxiety and depression, underlying causes, the stigma surrounding mental health, reasons people do not reach out, and ideas to combat those problems. Since today is the last day of mental health awareness month, I decided to change a few things from what I originally wrote in order to make a more blog-like variation of my assignment here. I hope you will enjoy reading my thoughts on this. I would love to know how you feel about this topic too! (Feel free to DM me @ways2braid on Instagram) 💚

I would like to begin by acknowledging some of the situations that could be contributing factors in mental health issues: domestic violence, bullying, sexual abuse, breakups or toxic relationships, loss of a pet or a loved one, illness of oneself or a loved one, moving to a new place, failing to live up to one’s ideal self or an unattainable ideal that someone else has set, being unable to do something that one is passionate about, and disasters happening in the world. These and many other circumstances in which an individual might feel stressed, overwhelmed, or experience feelings of uncertainty or loss as a result of sudden life changes can contribute to the developing or worsening of one’s mental health issues. In addition, biological and genetic factors also play a role in mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, etc.

I feel that there are many reasons why it could be challenging for people to reach out for help, especially since different situations involve different emotions and are surrounded by different myths and stigmas of their own. In dealing with mental health struggles due to domestic violence, for example, the abuser would likely become angry at merely the hint of the victim opening up to a counselor, friend or family member about something like anxiety or depression. Due to the nature of abusive relationships, a victim may be brainwashed by the abuser into thinking that they deserve the abuse. The abusive person may convince the victim that the anxiety and/or depression is their own fault, that they are worthless, a lost cause, a waste of someone else’s time, or undeserving of therapy and recovery. The victim might be afraid to reach out for help to deal with their mental health issues because they fear being asked for further details that may lead someone to realize that the abuse is happening. I think a common idea surrounding situations such as this is that the victim “could just leave at anytime,” but many people outside of situations like this fail to realize that the solution is not so simple, thus often leaving the victim feeling too misunderstood to reach out for help at all.

In some cases, the person may feel shame or embarrassment for the traumatic experience that triggered anxiety and/or depression, and that prevents them from getting the therapy they need to begin recovering from the trauma. Some people may not feel comfortable asking for help because they feel like no one would understand them or their issues; therefore, it seems like it would be a pointless effort to make by attempting to explain. Still others may find reaching out for help challenging because they worry it would be perceived as “attention-seeking behavior” or that others might not even believe them at all. For young people especially, I think that jokes others make about mental illness could impact whether or not they reach out for help. In other instances, I imagine that a person’s mental health might gradually decline or begin as a seemingly normal response to a difficult trial, so the person ignores it, assuming it will eventually go away on its own. The overthinking caused by anxiety in itself may also prevent someone from seeking the help that they need. In a similar way, depression might cause someone not to reach out because they feel worthless and do not want to burden someone else. Some people might not even be sure of what caused them to fall into a downward spiral to begin with, therefore they do not know how to ask for help for a problem that they do not feel is readily understood even in their own mind. A person might not reach out because they compare their problems to someone else’s, or have been told directly that “others have it so much worse.” Therefore, feelings are invalidated or minimized and the individual who is struggling is lead to believe that their own mental health issues are insignificant, so that person then believes that their problems are “not bad enough.” This may lead one to postpone the idea of getting help because they have been made to believe that they don’t really need it in the first place. To some, it might even feel inappropriate or embarrassing to reach out for help because they feel as if they should be “strong enough to deal with it alone.” This type of mindset comes from our culture, as does the popular saying that “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” I can attest to the fact that this is so far from the truth, as the hurtful words people have said to me have played through my head on repeat even many years later, yet when I needed my arm surgically put back together after an accident in gymnastics, my physical health rebounded quickly and I progressed to harder skills. I much prefer the version that states “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will only cause permanent psychological damage.” Words cut deep, and I believe that some people may resort to facing their struggles alone in an attempt to protect their own mental health from the hurtful things they fear others might respond with if they were to try to reach out to them for help.

A common theme among the reasons I thought of for why it might be challenging for someone to reach out for help is the feeling or worry of being misunderstood. I think that raising awareness about mental health is a great way to combat many problems related to this. I searched for hours to find a video about the stigma around a specific mental health issue, but unfortunately never found one that I felt accurately discussed it. Instead, the few videos I found that dealt with the topic at all, promoted myths and neglected to highlight any root causes or even accurately explain the condition itself. As heartbreaking as that felt to me, it served as an example of how important it is to continue raising awareness, not just for mental health as a whole, but to speak out about specific mental illnesses that are rare, taboo, or that are not discussed often or accurately enough. Using a social media platform is an easy way for anyone to raise awareness and inform others about myths versus facts. There are so many hurtful things people seem to say because of the stigma surrounding mental illness. I think it is important to emphasize the fact that no one has the choice to wake up one day or the next dealing with mental health issues, and that someone dealing with anxiety, depression, or another psychological disorder cannot just “get over it.” The fact that one cannot possibly know exactly how something affects another person should also be acknowledged, because even if someone goes through the same experience, another person might deal with it much differently. Similarly, a message should be shared that pain is pain - each individual matters, as do their problems, no matter how big or small they may seem. We should promote a culture that validates a person’s psychological pain as they would someone with physical pain. It is extremely unhelpful to make jokes or degrading comments about mental illness, as someone in the same group of people could be struggling silently and this could make it even more difficult for them to reach out for help. I think that therapy and regular counseling sessions should be normalized and made to feel as common as if one were to go to the doctor for an annual checkup. Peer lead support groups can also help people to find understanding, validation and encouragement in each other during difficult times and eliminate feelings of loneliness in their own struggles.

The greatest suggestion I think I can give though, is to try. Make an effort. Oftentimes when people don’t understand something, they seemingly throw their hands in the air and give up altogether, but we must realize that we do have the power to make a positive difference in someone’s life, even if we do not understand exactly how that person is struggling. I know it can make all the difference in the world if someone simply asks a question like “how are you feeling today?” It can be tremendously helpful for someone who is struggling to have a person in their life who has a nonjudgmental and accepting attitude and is willing to provide a listening ear from time to time, without causing them to feel shame, embarrassment, or judgment for opening up. Talking about mental struggles often does not feel positive, but can have a positive impact nonetheless! I think it can also be helpful to separate the mental illness from a person’s identity and remind them of their qualities, such as being funny, kind, a good listener, etc. as opposed to anxious, depressing, boring, and so on. Just as it would not be seen as a character flaw to be forced to sit out of water activities due to wearing a cast for a broken arm, it should not be seen as a fault in one’s character to be anxious about being in a group or to feel depressed while others seem to be having a wonderful time, for example. 
Some ways to help a friend or loved one who is struggling are to treat them like a person, ask them what their triggers are, help them feel more comfortable in those triggering situations, send an encouraging message periodically to remind them of how much they mean to you, give them space if they need it, and be honest! It can actually feel quite comforting to someone to know that although you might not understand, you do want to and are willing to listen and learn how to better support them through the difficult times. Giving some reassurance that you won’t give up on them when things get tough is definitely another comforting way to help too.

I believe that each person has the ability to make a difference in our world in either a positive or negative way. Doing nothing is not a neutral response, but rather can often be a negative one. The ripples that occur as a result of one person’s kindness to another can impact things far more than one could ever imagine. The Asch experiment on conformity, which I studied in my psychology course, is a perfect example of how just one person speaking up can change an outcome. Just as the one person who said the correct answer in the experiment influenced some others not to conform to the majority, one person talking about the importance of mental health can help to positively influence others to speak out, and the impact might then be magnified exponentially. I believe this is one of the ways we can break the stigma and change how our world, culture, family, and friends view mental illness and the individuals whose lives are affected. 💚

~ As always, I am willing to listen if you are struggling and need someone to talk to. Because of my college courses, my response time may not be quick, but I will get back with you! Sending lots of love to you all, Abby ~

P.S. I also encourage you to check out Sam Cohen’s short video below, because I feel like the points she makes correspond well with my own perspective. I admire her bravery to speak out about this topic, especially as she deals with anxiety and depression herself, and I love that she highlights the invisibility aspect of mental illness in comparison to physical ailments.
Sam Cohen's Ted Talks Inspirational Speech

Birthday Thoughts

Wow! I really can’t believe yesterday was my last day being a teenager...I’m in my twenties now!! 🙌

I also didn’t think my 20th birthday was going to feel so insignificant. I guess I just always imagine my birthday as a day of special power and energy, but it’s just like any other day, really. Though in a different way, today has me reminiscing a little on my 8th birthday. I didn’t want a birthday... I didn’t want a party, I didn’t want gifts either... and well... I did want cake but wanted it dedicated to my doll for “her birthday” not mine.😉

To little Abby, birthdays were embarrassing (too much spotlight on me) and seemed as a means of dividing people...I would be another number higher than my little brother, whom I loved dearly. I didn’t like that separation it caused...it was the year the two of us really looked like twins and had began establishing our lifelong friendship and close sibling bond. We did literally EVERYTHING together. And I guess I’ve always just felt the division that the silly numbers attached to humans brought, of course, my age pressure and such issues only magnifying the problem.

Since I’ve gotten older, I like to take my birthday as an opportunity to reflect on things in life and how I’ve changed in the past year. Here are some of my thoughts I wrote:

Sometimes I still wish that “age” didn’t exist in a sense of defining people or holding them to a standard and evaluating where they stand in life in comparison with others. You see, change doesn’t happen the moment the clock ticks from one day to the next and birthdays are no exception. Change happens spontaneously throughout life. We all have different trials to bear and different weights to carry, and therefore mature and achieve success at different rates. We live and we grow through our experiences in life’s journey. There are times filled with joy, love, peace, thankfulness; and then there are dark times of loss, heartbreak, destruction, and pain. These are the days that change us and shape our characters. These are the days we have choices to make in how we deal with things. Nothing is forever...life constantly changes us every moment, yet I have hope in God to carry me through every situation. Throughout my life, there has been one thing that I’m the most thankful for, which is that God always knows exactly what I need, and brings into my life exactly who or what I need at His perfect timing. As cliche as it sounds, I believe everything really does happen for a reason. I’m excited to see what my twenties will bring for my life! 
Here’s what I wrote the last couple years, but never shared here. (Just copying so I can remember them later haha).19th Birthday;On my birthday, I always like to think about how I’ve changed, how my life and mindset have changed, and also to remember the lessons I’ve learned in life and decide how I can become a better person in the future. One significant change from last year is that I’ve started writing again. In January, I challenged myself to write a “letter to myself”(it ended up being 3K+ words😂). Writing that letter helped me to better understand myself and why I do certain things, and show me what I still need to work on. I also write things like short stories, notes, and poems. I think writing is a great coping method and it helps me express myself...even though I keep most of it private. My mindset has changed too...I’ve realized how easy it is to think “Why?...Why this?...Why me?...” but to instead look at the challenges and struggles life throws at me as “I can’t see the big picture and I don’t understand “why” right now, but I trust that God is going to use all this someday.” In the past month especially, I’ve begun to look at life with a more hopeful and positive attitude. I may not have it all figured out, but I’m promising myself to get up, do my best everyday, and not give up on myself again. Some people in my life may have given up on me, but God hasn’t given up on me, so I shouldn’t give up on me either. He has a purpose for my life and I trust that He’ll give me the strength I need to deal with the rest. Of course, I still struggle some days, but I’m determined to win this fight!💪 One of the hardest things I’ve learned this year is that (most...not all) people simply do not care for others. They judge without knowing the full story. And, in my opinion, what is most hurtful is not when they don’t know and understand, but that they do not care to understand and that some do know and choose to remain ignorant to another’s pain and choose not to show compassion.I’d like to say a special ‘thank you’ to the amazing, supportive friends I’ve met on IG who are just the sweetest people I’ve met, and to the friends and family who continue to support me and encourage me. Your kindness and thoughtful messages asking me if I’m ok/how my mom is doing truly mean so much to me!💕.18th Birthday:✨Life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about discovering who God created you to be.✨ I’m 18 now, but to myself, I don’t feel like I’m any different than I was yesterday...only a day older. Just for me to look back on later...I’m including what I feel like are 7 of the greatest lessons I’ve learned throughout my childhood:•ALWAYS do your best, because you will never regret the feeling you get when you know that you’ve done everything you possibly could to make yourself better in some way•learn to EXPECT disappointments, because more often than not, things won’t turn out perfect and things won’t go as planned...but if it does then it will be a truly wonderful surprise...and you’ll never feel as disappointed that way!•JUDGE less, and UNDERSTAND more. We all have issues. No one is perfect. You don’t know the extent of the problems someone else is facing everyday.•NEVER be afraid to share your story with others...you will find comfort knowing you have support and will no longer feel alone in your problems. You don’t know who might be going through something similar so that you might be able to help them feel less alone too.•NOTHING lasts forever...it might be hard, it might get worse, but you must trust in God’s plan...because He is carefully piecing together every detail of your life ‘puzzle’ and someday it will all make sense•LAUGH a lot. Smile through the tears, and make silly jokes about the crazy problems you face....after all it does help it all feel more bearable.•Have FUN. And do what you enjoy!

Domestic Violence Awareness

     𝘿𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙘 𝙫𝙞𝙤𝙡𝙚𝙣𝙘𝙚 - not an easy thing to talk about... and quite often, it seems that it isn’t even spoken of at all, yet we are surrounded by people in this world who are being abused and continue to struggle alone in silence! 

     I strongly believe that this is an important topic that needs to be talked about more so that many people will become aware of the negative effects domestic violence has on victims and so that people will be educated on the red flags, thus hopefully preventing getting involved in a potentially damaging relationship. So in honor of October being Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I’ll share some of my thoughts about it as well as statistics through a site I linked below and some informative warning sign lists specific to each type of abuse, because these are so important and necessary to recognize. 

     If you are reading this and have not personally been in or don’t really understand DV, I’d like to thank you for taking this moment to make an effort to understand and learn more about this subject. We need more people who are willing to speak out against the cruel things happening in the world in order to make a difference. Based on statistics, I would say that whether you are aware of it or not, there is more than likely at least one person in your life who is currently being or has been impacted in their lifetime by the effects of domestic violence. 

     A key thing to remember is that while many factors do play into the likelihood for domestic violence to happen, any kind of abuse can happen to *anyone* ...regardless of financial or religious background, gender, ethnicity, age group, etc. 

     As my dream is to become a psychologist or counselor, I’ve spent a lot of time researching the long term effects all different forms of abuse have on victims, and what I’ve consistently found through my online research is that survivors will more than likely suffer from the damaging toll the abuse takes on their mental and/or physical health....sometimes for the rest of their lives. Some examples include: mental health issues such as PTSD, panic disorder, anxiety, depression...as well as insomnia, social withdrawal, guilt, hyper-vigilance, self-doubt, low self-esteem/self-confidence/very self-critical, anger issues, difficulty trusting others, relationship problems, chronic pain, and stomach ulcers. Abuse during pregnancy, whether physical, verbal or emotional, produces many adverse physical and psychological effects for both the mother and fetus. Any type of domestic violence also increases the risk for victims to turn to self harm, eating disorders, or substance use disorders. This can be a way to feel a sense of control over their feelings/body/life situations, express internal feelings externally, punish themselves for perceived faults, or cope and distract from the painful emotions caused by the abuse. 

     The saddest thing, I feel, about domestic violence is that the abuser is (in many situations anyway) supposed to love their partner/child/family, and perhaps truly does love them or claims to, to a certain extent, but is in reality, damaging the very people closest to them mentally (and physically too in many cases). They hurt beautiful, kind people with so many hopes, dreams, and goals. Their actions and words do not display that love though. Domestic violence is not the victim’s fault. No one asks to be abused. No one deserves to be treated in such a way! Everyone deserves to have healthy relationships. The ways abusers destroy other people makes me feel angry and sick....but most of all, it breaks my heart. I’ve spent so much time trying to research and understand the “why?” behind this behavior, but I don’t feel that any excuse that can make domestic violence justifiable, right or okay. 

Here is a great site I found to learn more about facts and statistics:

https://www.domesticshelters.org/resources/statistics

And here is an overview of the warning signs of each type of abuse below: (I’ve also added the link to the sites I found in depth info or specific examples on)

Physical abuse is any intentional act causing injury, trauma, physical suffering or bodily harm to another person or animal by way of bodily contact. Physical abuse may involve more than one abuser, and more than one victim. Abusive acts toward children can often result from parents' attempts at child discipline through excessive corporal punishment.

Some examples include:

• Pushing  

• Shoving
• Scratching 
• Biting 
• Grabbing 
• Spitting 
• Slapping 
• Punching 
• Kicking 
• Choking 
• Strangling 
• Burning 
• Force feeding
• Denying you food
• Reckless driving
• Throwing things to hurt or intimidate you 
• Destroying possessions/treasured objects
• Disrupting your sleeping patterns to make you feel exhausted
• Physically restraining you (such as pinning you against a wall, floor, bed, etc.)
• Hurting or threatening to hurt your children and/or pets
• Using or threatening to use weapons or objects that could hurt you
• Attempts to kill you

Sexual abuse/assault 

• Unwanted kissing or touching 
• Unwanted rough or violent sexual activity 
• All sexual touching between an adult and a child 
• Rape or attempted rape
• Refusing to use condoms or restricting someone’s access to birth control
• Keeping someone from protecting themselves from STIs
• Sexual contact with someone who is very drunk, drugged, unconscious, or otherwise unable to give a clear and informed “yes” or “no”
• Threatening or pressuring someone into unwanted sexual activity 
• Taking any kind of sexual pictures or film of someone without their consent.
• Forcing someone to perform sexual acts on film or in person for money.
• Threatening to break up with someone if they refuse sex.

Emotional/Mental/Psychological/Verbal abuse

Emotional abuse is one of the hardest forms of abuse to recognize. It can be subtle and insidious or overt and manipulative. Either way, it chips away at the victim's self-esteem and they begin to doubt their perceptions and reality.

(List of warning signs/examples from healthline.com) 

Humiliation, negating, and criticizing to undermine your self-esteem.

Examples of this are:

• Dismissiveness. You tell them about something that’s important to you and they say it’s nothing. Body language like eye-rolling, smirking, headshaking, and sighing help convey the same message.
• Pushing your buttons. Once your abuser knows about something that annoys you, they’ll bring it up or do it every chance they get.
• Character assassination. This usually involves the word “always.” You’re always late, wrong, screwing up, disagreeable, and so on. Basically, they say you’re not a good person.
• Patronizing. “Aw, sweetie, I know you try, but this is just beyond your understanding.”
• “Joking” and/or sarcasm. When you object, they claim to have been teasing and tell you to stop taking everything so seriously.
• Insults of your appearance.
• Put-downs of your interests. 
• Belittling your accomplishments. Abuser may tell you that your achievements mean nothing, or may even claim responsibility for your success.
• Name-calling.
• Derogatory “pet names.” 
• Public embarrassment. They pick fights, expose your secrets, or make fun of your shortcomings in public.
• Yelling, screaming, swearing to intimidate and make you feel small...maybe accompanied by fist-pounding or throwing things.

Control and shame: trying to make you feel ashamed of your inadequacies to make them feel more powerful.

Examples of this are:

• Unpredictability. They’ll explode with rage out of nowhere, suddenly shower you with affection, or become dark and moody at the drop of a hat to keep you walking on eggshells.
• Outbursts.
• Making subtle or overt threats. 
• Digital spying. They might check your internet history, emails, texts, and call log. They might even demand your passwords.
• Monitoring your whereabouts. They want to know where you are all the time and insist that you respond to calls or texts immediately. They might show up just to see if you’re where you’re supposed to be.
• Feigned helplessness. They may say they don’t know how to do something. Sometimes it’s easier to do it yourself than to explain it. They know this and take advantage of it.
• Unilateral decision-making. They might close a joint bank account, cancel your doctor’s appointment, or speak with your boss without asking.
• Financial control. They might keep bank accounts in their name only and make you ask for money. You might be expected to account for every penny you spend.
• Manipulating your children.
• Treating you like a child. They might tell you what to wear, what/how much to eat, which friends you can see, etc.
• Direct orders...which are expected to be followed despite your plans to the contrary.
• Lecturing. ...about your errors...makes it clear they think you’re beneath them.
• They walk out. In a social situation, stomping out of the room leaves you holding the bag. At home, it’s a tool to keep the problem unresolved.
• Using others. Abusers may tell you that “everybody” thinks you’re crazy or “they all say” you’re wrong.

Accusing, blaming, and denial: this behavior comes from an abuser’s insecurities. They want to create a hierarchy in which they’re at the top and you’re at the bottom.

Examples of this are:

• Jealousy. They accuse you of flirting or cheating on them.
• Turning the tables. They say you cause their rage and control issues by being such a pain.
• Denying something you know is true. An abuser will twist your words, and deny that an argument or even an agreement took place. This is called gaslighting. It’s meant to make you question your own memory and sanity.
• Using guilt. They might say something like, “You owe me this. Look at all I’ve done for you,” in an attempt to get their way.
• Goading then blaming. Abusers know just how to upset you. But once the trouble starts, it’s your fault for creating it.
• Denying their abuse. When you complain about their attacks, abusers will deny it, seemingly bewildered at the very thought of it.
• Accusing you of abuse. They say you’re the one who has anger and control issues and they’re the helpless victim.
• Trivializing. When you want to talk about your hurt feelings, they accuse you of overreacting and making mountains out of molehills.
• Saying you have no sense of humor. Abusers make personal jokes about you. If you object, they’ll tell you to lighten up.
• Blaming you for their problems. Whatever’s wrong in their life is all your fault.
• Destroying and denying. They might crack your cell phone screen or “lose” your car keys, then deny it.

Emotional neglect and isolation: abusers tend to place their own emotional needs ahead of yours. Many abusers will try to come between you and people who are supportive of you to make you more dependent on them.

Examples of this are:

• Demanding respect. No perceived slight will go unpunished, and you’re expected to defer to them. But it’s a one-way street.
• Shutting down communication. They’ll ignore your attempts at conversation in person, by text, or by phone.
• Dehumanizing you. They’ll look away when you’re talking or stare at something else when they speak to you.
• Keeping you from socializing. 
• Trying to come between you and your family. 
• Withholding affection. They may refuse sexual relations to punish you or to get you to do something.
• Tuning you out. They’ll wave you off, change the subject, or just plain ignore you when you want to talk about your relationship.
• Actively works to turn others against you.
• Calling you needy. When you need and reach out for support, they’ll tell you things like “the world can’t stop turning for your little problems.”
• Interrupting, not listening or not responding.
• Indifference. They see you hurt or crying and do nothing.
• Disputing your feelings. Whatever you feel, they’ll say you’re wrong to feel that way, etc.

Financial/Economic abuse happens when the abuser makes a victim entirely financially dependent on the abuser, with no power or say in the relationship.

Some examples include:

• Forbidding you to work or attend school.
• Sabotaging employment opportunities by giving you a black eye or other visible injury prior to an important meeting.
• Jeopardizing employment by stalking or harassing you at the workplace.
• Denying you access to a vehicle or damaging the vehicle so you cannot get to work.
• Sabotaging educational opportunities by destroying class assignments.
• Withholding money or giving an allowance.
• Hiding family assets.
• Controlling or denying your access to bank accounts or other money.
• Refusing to contribute financially to you or the family, or doesn't provide enough money to cover living expenses.
• You’re denied access to the internet, phone or transport, which prevents you from working or studying.
• Taking out loans, running up debts in your name, or pressuring you to sign up for a loan.
• You must have permission to spend your own money.
• Sells (or threatens to sell) your property without your permission.
• You are being made to feel like you are incompetent with money.

Signs of child abuse:

Warning signs for physical abuse:

• Recurrent bruises, cuts, welts, or other injuries that can’t be explained or don’t match with the child’s story
• Burns, especially from cigarettes, that can’t be explained
• Injury marks that have a pattern, like from a hand, belt, or other objects
• Injuries that are at different stages of healing
• Medical or dental issues that go untreated
• Alert behavior; child seems to always be expecting something bad to happen
• Often wears clothing that covers up their skin, even in warm weather
• Child seems afraid to go home
• Child startles easily, shies away from touch or shows other skittish behavior

Warning signs of emotional abuse:

• Constantly seems fearful or anxious about doing something wrong
• Withdrawn from peers and adults
• Behavior fluctuates between extremes (i.e. extremely cooperative or extremely demanding)
• Acting either inappropriately beyond their age (like an adult; taking care of other children) or inappropriately younger than their age (like an infant; throwing tantrums)
• Speech problems or delays in learning and emotional development
• Depression and low self-esteem
• Doing poorly in school
• Headaches and stomachaches with no clear cause
• The child doesn’t seem close to a parent or caregiver
• Showing little interest in friends and activities

Warning signs of neglect:

• Dirty, ill-fitting clothes
• Illnesses and injuries often go untreated
• Eating more than usual at a meal or saving food for later
• Poor weight gain and growth
• Child is often late or missing from school
• Frequently left alone or unsupervised at home
• Child consistently has bad hygiene (unbathed, dirty hair, body odor)
• Allowed to play in dangerous environments 

Spotting the “red flags” of a narcissist early on in relationships/dating:

(All of this information is from psychcentral.com)

People are drawn to narcissists because they can be charming and charismatic. In fact, one study showed that their likable veneer was only penetrable after seven meetings. Some of the things that may distract you from the warning signs include: 

• Sexual attraction. The greater the physical attraction and sexual intensity, the easier it is to ignore red flags.
• Seduction. Narcissists are skilled in manipulation. They may be adept listeners and communicators or allure you with, flattery, self-disclosure, and vulnerability.
• Idealization. They’re often very accomplished, successful, good-looking, powerful, and/or multi-talented. It’s easy to idealize them and want to share in the benefits of their exceptionalism, especially if you feel inferior. People with low self-esteem, such as codependents, are more likely to idealize someone they admire.
• Familiarity. If you had a narcissistic parent, being with a narcissist will feel familiar — like family. This attraction happens beneath consciousness and is often referred to as “chemistry.” With personal therapy, this attraction can change so that you easily spot someone who is abusive or self-centered. You might even be repelled instead of attracted to a narcissist.
• Codependency. If you have low self-esteem, you may be unaware of your feelings, which can guide you. You may not feel entitled to respect and having your needs and wants met. Most codependents tend to accommodate and please-please other people — a perfect fit for a narcissist. This predisposition is stronger in early dating when you’re trying to make a good impression. Thus, you might overlook or rationalize feelings of discomfort and anxiety that signal trouble. If something does bother you, you won’t speak up about it and try to forget it.

 So here are the red flags to watch for:

• Self-centeredness. Narcissists can’t empathize. They’re in their own reality and see you as an extension of themselves to satisfy their needs and wants. Some narcissists are skilled communicators and will appear fascinated by you, even mirror your interests to make you like them. They may be good at short-term intimacy and make you feel like a king or queen; but eventually, they don’t keep up that act. You’ll discover that their motive is to get what they want; for example, sex, but that they’re not interested in getting to know more about you, your family, problems, or successes.
• Arrogance. Narcissists feel superior to other people, and can be rude or abusive when don’t get what they want. This is revealed in their behavior and how they talk about themselves and others. Is your date a fault-finder who criticizes or blames others? One day he or she may be bashing you. Does he or she show other people respect, or act superior to other certain groups, such as minorities, immigrants, or people of less means or education?
• Entitlement. Narcissists think they deserve special treatment and that rules don’t apply to them. A relationship with this person will be painfully one-sided, not a two-way street. Narcissists are only interested in getting what they want and making the relationship work for them.
• Bragging and need for admiration. Although because narcissists want to believe they’re superior and the best, they’re actually insecure. Hence, they need constant validation, appreciation, and recognition. They seek this by bragging about themselves and their accomplishments. They may even lie or exaggerate. People who brag are trying to convince themselves and you of their greatness.
• Control and manipulation. They may manipulate you with flattery, belittling, or threats. Their lack empathy may show when planning a date. Time and place might be a difficult negotiation or on their terms, especially if they sense that you’re interested in them. Initially, they may want to please you to win you over, but once they’ve made their “catch,” they want to please themselves. It’s the chase, not the catch that motivates them. Once they’re victorious, they can lose interest, and move on to the next conquest before it gets too emotionally intimate. If not, they’ll be emotionally unavailable and keep you at a distance, because they’re afraid if you get too close, you won’t like what you see.

Hotlines: https://www.dosomething.org/us/about/hotline-list